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Why Should I Forgive - Part 2

3/15/20244 min read

man and woman holding hands together in field during daytime
man and woman holding hands together in field during daytime

So let’s be honest. How many”Christian” marriages do you know of in your family, church or circle of influence that actually make you wanna cry… or just run for the hills? One man and one woman living under the same roof, in total disgust of one another. They are just sticking out their marriage til the very end. After all, “Christians ain’t supposed to get divorced, that’s just a sin!” Am I right? So… they wear “unhappily ever after”, as if its some badge of Christian service for the Lord. Meanwhile, their poor children grow up in a daily display of hypocrisy, and never are truly shown what God’s true design for marriage is. Usually these same kids will end up marrying into a similar mess. All of these individuals miss the mark of the basic design for their role in a happy, healthy, joyful home life. They completely ruin their opportunity to  offer the world a glimpse of marriage, by God’s design.

I know it’s strange to start off with this, while dealing marital issues, trauma, strain and infidelity. But, the thing about it is that God’s desire for our home does not change after the ugly stuff happens. Truth is, if our spouse is really and truly repentant in a Godly way, and if we are forgiving that spouse as God would have us to… We’ll then,  our marriages can become a beautiful token of His Grace once more. If they were never much of a Biblical marriage to begin with, this is a chance for the Lord to do an even greater work of restoration! 

I know of several dear couples whose relationships were ravaged by sexual sin. Even after the repentant spouse did all they could to make things right with the Lord and their betrayed spouse, the marriage stays in total disarray. Most times this was because the betrayed spouse (the wife) took it on herself to be the spiritual leader of the home after her husband’s fall. Her justification for this being, “I can forgive him, but I don’t trust his judgment.” 

I’ve been told this twice nearly verbatim. Several more times, when it was clearly implied by her actions. What do I mean, you may ask? Well, it is evident in her inability to allow her husband to  make any decisions regarding the children, finances, or household decisions. I have had one long-ago betrayed wife call me on a Monday to “correct” an activity her husband had signed the two of them up for on Sunday. She was annoyed he had clearly “usurped’’ her chain of command and she made it very clear that he knew better than to make this small decision without her. But the underlying issue wasn’t this decision or their current schedule. It’s the fact that she can’t allow him to be in control anymore. He messed up and she feels she must take the reigns in the house. In truth, her pride has allowed her to think she has the spiritual right to do so. But that’s not Biblical! Our role is to support and be a help to our husbands  Not to lord over them in the event they fail us. Unfortunately, no one in this marriage or family seems be living in joy or victory. They all are just surviving! It actually makes my heart hurt for them.

The reality is that forgiveness is one thing, but restoration is a very different act entirely. Restoration puts action to our forgiveness! We need to learn how to do both! Thank God, we aren’t just forgive but we can be restored by our Heavenly Father. Now, we need to put that same principle into practice in our Christian relationships. It’s the missing link in our homes, families and churches today. Boy, is Satan loving it too.

Dear, sweet friend who is reading this. I am no trying to hurt you or speak harshly to cause you to feel misunderstood. Believe me when I say, I can understand you better than anyone!!! But if our spouse is sincerely repentant, forgiveness is only the first step we must take. Restoration is the next step. It’s a giant faith step to be sure! But our place is not be the head of the home, if our husband is back in it. It is our job to see that we restore him as the leader of our home and family. We do that… by being the best wife and helpmeet, prayer warrior and friend that we can be to our husbands. I have been a little brutal today with you, and I promise it was only meant in love. I desire that more Christian women would trust the Lord with their marriages again. Learn to embrace who they are in the home, and the amazing responsibility we have as wives and women of God. At this time, we need to build up our homes and our fallen spouse. By the way, not building up our spouses, is effectively tearing down our home from the inside out. Be a Proverbs 14:1 kinda gal…”Every wise woman buildeth her house: But the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.“

How do we do that??? 

I learned something a few years ago that helped me to ease up on the reins I so desperately felt I should be in control of. I may not always trust my husband in the aftermath of our storm. I can ALWAYS trust the Lord, though. So in those moments where I am not sure of my husband, I do the best thing I can as his helpmeet. PRAY! I can give my two-cents worth when he asks for it, in a loving way. But, I find that when I pray and keep my mouth shut… its amazing how God works in situations I may have thought would be problematic. Sometimes,I find my trust for my husband growing exponentially simply because I talked to the Lord first. Trust will slowly grow with time and consistency from your spouse. I promise.  Especially, when you are looking at your husband from the standpoint of restoration! Be patient and have some grace while you wait.